The Wibbly Wobbly World of Mark Drakeford

drakeford

Hi Kids, my name is Mark Drakeford.    I am a “Politician”.    Politicians are special people that are chosen to make big, important decisions for less special people that are too stupid to think for themselves.

When I’m not being a “Politician” I spend my time riding my pet unicorn across technicoloured rainbows in a magical, two-mooned, pixie-filled land called Wales.unicorn

Wales is a beautiful place.   The sky is a stunning shade of purple, the clouds are made of candy floss and every animal sings a happy tune that sounds like a cross between the songs of “Frozen” and the Manic Street Preachers.

Wales also has a lot of people that smoke.   Smoking is bad.   Not only does it turn the candy floss clouds a weird yellowey colour, it also kills people and affects the singing ability of our animals so, I want it stopped.

Mark-Drakeford2

Me Being Happy

Thing is, Wales (and lots of other countries around the world) make a lot of money from people smoking so, rather than stop it completely we put lots of laws and rules in place to “try” and get people to stop.    This makes us politicians look good and keeps me in a job.  That makes me happy.

One of these laws was to stop people smoking indoors.        Since the year 2007, if you smoked indoors in wales (apart from in your home or a friend’s home) a policeman would put you in Jail.   That would be bad – firstly because prison is bad and secondly because in the year 2016, if you’re put in Jail in Wales, you can’t smoke there either.   We haven’t yet decided what happens to you after that, maybe we’ll make a special super jail, just for smokers.

honlik vaping

Hon Lik, looking so attractive he makes me wanna SMOKE

Now, a few years ago, a nasty Chinese man called Hon Lik invented something called the “Electronic Cigarette”.   This confused me because, whilst I like electricity as it helps me to catch up on episodes of Pobol Y Cym, I most definitely DON’T like cigarettes.

Turns out that these Electronic Cigarettes make you feel like you’re smoking.   I don’t like that either.   Even worse they LOOK like you’re smoking.  I really, really don’t like that and neither does Aled (my pet unicorn).

One night, Aled and I were talking in bed and he came up with a brilliant idea.   “If these electronic cigarettes look and feel like smoking, maybe they’re going to make people START smoking and, if people can’t smoke indoors, maybe we should stop people using electronic cigarettes indoors as well”

unicorn_dosfamily-466x700

Aled’s bedroom – with a funny cartoon pic of me dressed as a vicar on the wall

“Brilliant”  I thought.   “Not only are you an efficient and fabulous looking method of transportation, you’re also an excellent policy advisor – I know you have trouble typing with those hooves but, can you draft a bill so I can take it to my friends in the Welsh Government”

So, as Aled frantically hooved away at the keyboard, I got dressed up in my special Politician suit, made from the lung tissue of dead smokers and prepared to take “my” brilliant idea to the Welsh Government to make sure that nothing that looks like smoking ever takes place inside again in Wales (unless you’re in your house, or a friends house and providing that house isn’t being used by anyone doing a job or looking like they’re doing a job- this also includes Nicorette inhalers which, despite being a licenced medical product and prescribed by Doctors, in my mind look like smoking, blah blah blah, pffft, wibble, ping, ta dah)

On the way to the Welsh Parliament, sat astrode Aled’s back, whilst looking down at the green pastures of Wales and seeing his luminescent glitter trail cascading behind me I thought to myself –

“If I’m trying to stop people using electronic cigarettes indoors because it looks like smoking and, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary , believe that they are making people smoke, maybe I should draft up some other bills, just to be safe”

Unfortunately, for the last 4 months or so, Aled has been rather poorly, something to do with rectal bleeding or something so I’ve not been able to transport these new bills to the Welsh Parliament but, for your delectation and delight, here are my suggestions for some other things to ban:

  • Sugar – because it looks like Cocaine
  • Fruit – because it’s a healthier version of fast food and that will encourage people to eat fast food
  • Driving slowly – because that will encourage people to drive quickly
  • Walking on pavements – because that will encourage people to walk in the road
  • Water – because it encourages people to drink alcohol
  • Calpol – because it’s aggressively marketed to children and is a gateway drug
  • Staying alive (ha ha ha staying alive) because that will encourage people to be dead
    (although I can’t be THAT bothered about people being dead, given that I’m passing a bill that will help to increase smoking rates in Wales)
sugar

Sugar, basically makes you take crack and stuff

But that’s all for another day.

For now, I’m keeping myself busy with making up lies, quoting disproven “scientific” research and generally ignoring anyone that doesn’t agree with me.     Exhausting enough as it is.

And even though those fools in England who have used actual evidence to draft their policies state that vaping is up to 95% less harmful than smoking and is contributing to the biggest fall in smoking rates we have seen in modern times, I’m right, they’re wrong, na na na na, fingers in ears, can’t hear you, yeah.

Looks like smoking, causes smoking.   The sky is purple, we have two moons and I’m having an intimate sexual relationship with a Male Unicorn.

Thanks for reading

MD (It’s like I’m a doctor just because of my initials)

———————

The Vaped Crusader 2015
@davapedcrusader
https://www.facebook.com/thevcrusader

Please share if you like, comment if you like, argue if you don’t and let’s get these messages out there

VC

2 thoughts on “The Wibbly Wobbly World of Mark Drakeford

  1. Pingback: The Week in Vaping - Sunday November 22nd, 2015

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